The Chaos in My Head

I have always believed that to write well, one should write what they know. I’ve found some problems with that since my post a few weeks ago. Those are the experiences that are not the easiest to explain anymore. They seem to be the lessons learned the hard way, the loves you regret, or the things you know you felt, but maybe still haven’t found the words to say. Mostly, they are the things that make you feel exposed. My last blog was one hundred percent honest and made me feel one hundred percent exposed. It took everything I had to write it and share it. I deleted it five hundred times. Maybe that’s why I felt as though it had to be shared. It is my biggest lesson-learned-the-hard-way and it comes up every time I try to write. I write honest. I write real. When I sit and explain my heart through words, I have no filter. Since it came up every time I tried to write and I felt I didn’t know how to talk about it or explain it well, nor did I know how to expose it without feeling stupid – it kept me from writing…. But I was born writing.
I love to write in a way I can’t explain. I need it. It’s a way to take off the filter and get it all out, to take the chaos in my mind and create something that’s beautiful to me. For me, it's huge. The religious abuse I went through has affected me in a lot of ways in the past three years. There were many repercussions, but mostly, I have found it has made me guarded. I am once again out going. I am once again out spoken. I once again have a lot to say, but now, I’m more cautious about who I share things with. If I learned anything during the bad experience, I learned that I know nothing for sure. None of us do. My blogs used to be about my theories or religion, life, love and god. Now, however, I feel that I don’t know anything about those things outside of what is deeply experiential, completely intuitive, and very subjective. My opinions of those sensitive areas are based on my worldview and my life, and I think it’s silly to say that someone else should feel something because I do. I used to have so much I “knew”, so much I was sure of and so much to say. Now I question everything – even myself. Everyday. But, I think that’s good. It’s the only way I can stand to be. If you don’t question everything you believe, you have nothing to stand on anyway. If I would have questioned life, people, ideas, and theories then, the way I’ve learned to now, I wouldn’t have ended up in a cult. So this is complicated for me. I believe to write well is to write what you know, but I know now for sure, that I know nothing for sure? I would never want to pretend that I knew something that someone else should live by. I know that sounds a little intense, but some people thought they knew some things I should live by and it destroyed me for awhile. I’m a little afraid of that.
So here it is. I will write what I think… what I think I know… and what I think may be leading me to knowing something for sure. I will just write. I will let it flow out of my heart and not care who it pisses off. It’s part of me and I need it. Maybe something I say will cause people to think out of their box a little. I’m not sure. I’m not sure why I love it or why I feel made for it, but I’m going to pursue it. It’s me like love is me and counseling is me and school is me. It’s just me.
So here’s to putting the past behind me and not letting anything that has ever happened to me or anything anyone thinks stop me from doing anything that I love.
So take that, haters.
(PS: Anyone who messaged me about the last blog – Thank you so much. I will write you back. I promise.)